Oversharing at its worst.

As a nurse, it takes a lot to gross me out. My work life relies on discussing strangers bowel habits and other bodily fluids, rashes in  unexpected  places, etc. 

On the reverse side, I am not a public/social media over sharer (I don’t think?? Someone please stop me if this isn’t true!). But I’m about to break my own rule. So if you have a weak stomach or care not to know this one time “TMI” it’s time to close the browser.

Disclaimer: I love my doctors office. This In no way reflects on their skills and certainly should not be used as medical advice. I’m witting this from a patients view. And nurses are the worst patients.

After reviewing our budget I realized that we spend quite a bit of money in prescriptions each month and decided to see what my options are for decreasing this. One particular prescription costs $45 a month for the name brand so I called my doctors office to see about switching to the generic brand and they were more than happy to make the switch  for me. Turns out the generic only costs $5 a month! 

Unfortunately, I soon developed large, painful, ulcers in my mouth from the generic prescription. Not worth saving $40 a month! After some research and a call to my insurance company  I found out that I could get a non hormonal IUD for just a $20 co pay and could stay in place  for up to 10 years! 

After  texting several of my friends who have IUD’s and google searches I made the appointment. Took a half of a Vicodin In the parking lot, just to be safe,  even though most woman say 800mg of ibuprofen was sufficient for them.  

Despite being the the only one in the waiting room, I thought it was weird when the medical assistant yelled over the check in counter “Ashlee, so you have an IUD or anything in now?”. UMMMN… What? No to the IUD, that’s why I’m here… I think? And what does “or anything” mean? I nervously smiled and replied.. “No?” 

Then they told me they need a urine sample ” to make sure you aren’t pregnant”. At this point I’m still trying to determine what the “or anything” stood for when my heart skipped a beat trying to decide why they think I’m pregnant? What do they know that I don’t? 

I happily provided a urine a sample making sure not to overfill the cup, (they don’t need  a years supply) and made my way back to the waiting room. I nervously checked fb/insta for another 10min until a nice blonde girl calls my name.

I’m trying to read her facial expressions… Is she going to tell me I’m knocked up and can’t get the IUD? Is she going to warn me not to go through with the IUD? Turns out she says nothing except to undress from the waist done and wait for the nurse practitioner. I comply, noting how great my new Jcrew sunglasses match my outfit. 

The Nurse comes in and goes over a visual diagram of what the procedure will look like. She makes sure to tell me the IUD will live “where the baby would grow”. Again with the baby talk… Who’s baby is she referring to? Hers? Mine? Am I having a baby?! No one has given me the pee test results but since I made it this far I assumed all was good in the hood. 

Next the medical assistant interupts our discussion about perforations and infections to tell the nurse her favorite exam room is now available and I’m ushered to another room down the hall with a see through sheet around my nether regions. The nurse tries to carry my stuff for me, like I’m an invalid and again I’m wondering she doesn’t think I can lift my 7lb purse? My hot pink underroos fall on the floor thanks to the nurse trying to help me carry my stuff… Have you ever tried to pick up panties off the floor of a public hallways in your doctors office  with just a sheet around you? I’m guessing the Vicodin had kicked  in because  I wasn’t particularly appalled. 

Finally we get settled  to our new room  and the nurse practitioner says her two assistants will be in shortly. I note one of their name tags says “student”. Grrreat. To spare the details, everything I read said the entire procedure takes 5 minutes and to expect moderate pain. Fast forward 45 minutes and the nurse practitioner is still trying to dilate my cervix with a metal device. I’m very politely saying “ow ow ow” as my insides feel as though they are being paper punched.  One assistant is pushing a heating  pack on my belly and asking me when the last time I fainted was. 

  • Finally the towel is thrown in.  My cervix is titled “too tight”. Cervix: one, IUD: 0. I’m shaking in pain with tears in my eyes. Blood is gushing out of places it shouldn’t be and before I can’t get my feet out of stirrups the sweet girl is trying to talk to me about coming back to try again with her hand on my leg. Everyone seems worried that I’ll faint but I keep saying I’m fine so they agree to let me go. 

I hyperventilate in pain On the way home and am stuck on the couch for 2 hours. Im feeling better but have no intentions of going back for an IUD. I’ll pay the $45 a month for the next few years. This also confirms my decision for elective c sections in the future. 

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